I Did Not Kill Her with My Thoughts

I lived in a courtyard where 8 or 10 other apartments face into by at least a window. We had lovely flowers because two of my neighbors loved to garden. We even had tomatoes and other vegetables growing in season because one of the gardeners was also a natural foods consultant.

And, this is Santa Monica - 2 miles from the beach with pretty much perfect weather.

Most of the time our courtyard was quiet. There was the occasional party and we did have some really "crying kids neighbors" who also periodically fought - badly and meanly and even sometimes physically. Basically it was the world.

Awhile back my husband would occasionally say, "Did you hear that?" but I always missed what he was talking about making me question that maybe my hearing was going. Well, what he had been hearing occasionally, I started hearing ALL THE TIME. It was a poor woman who might be suffering from dementia. She continuously and loudly was cursing her husband and what he made her do and what he didn't do etc, etc, etc.

Here's my guess: she was a good wife. She was probably born in the 30's or 40's or 50's and was taught - whether in her family or in her society - that she was supposed to be nice. In other words - DO NOT EXPRESS YOUR ANGER AND HURT OR YOU WILL BE LABELED A BITCH.

So she sounded like the worst bitch in the world. Maybe that is what dementia is about. We shut ourselves off and shut ourselves up and it has to get out some way.

Well, be that as it may, the continuous yelling really got to me. It was warm and I work at home so closing the windows or putting on music wasn't really an option. So in my final attempt for sanity I turned it over i.e. I gave it to the Universe with a prayer something like, "Please God. Solve this. I'm going crazy."

Well, a few days later, there was nothing but silence again.

As I was cleaning up the kitchen I had a funny thought and told my husband about my prayer. I jokingly said, "You don't think God answered it and killed her do you?" He assured me with his lovely smile that "you are not as important as you think you are."

So I didn't know if she had gone or moved to a hospital or what but I was grateful for the peace and I wished her blessings on wherever her journey took her. (And my husband and I each vowed to continue to appropriately express our emotions so that if we are ever in that state, we wouldn't trouble our kids or the neighbors with our screaming about what we never gave ourselves permission to express.)

He is gone now but we kept our agreement and even though my life has totally changed, I shall continue to keep that promise too.