Is He In or Out: Interpreting Body Language of Men

I’m not a man but I’ve lived with one for most of my life. Father, husbands, sons but when I did, I wasn’t aware of things like body language until my later years. 

Here’s what I know – or at least think I know:

• If he’s very quiet, he’s thinking. Being very quiet isn’t exactly body language, but it fits quite importantly in understanding men. I used to think that when he was very quiet he was possibly mad at me.
• If he leaves the house without telling me, he thinks it’s no big deal if all he’s doing is going to the car or taking out the trash. I used to think when he left the house without telling me that he was possibly mad at me or a big jerk for not caring about me because I’d wonder and be worried.
• If he wants to be alone, he needs some “cave time” as John Gray, the Men Are from Mars guy calls it. I used to get really scared that he was possibly mad at me or that I had really blown it or something.

I’m sure there is other body language that I’m forgetting but I want you to look back at the three bulleted items. Look at the italicized words. What do you notice? Yes. I used to make it all about me and what I was scared of.

So how does a woman stop doing that – being scared, worried and otherwise upset by carefully watching what her man is doing?

Here’s how I solved that issue: I started taking a big chance and asking him – not in an annoying fearful way but in a truly curious way. I would often tell him to make believe it was an interview because “I realize as a woman I have a different experience of things.”

It might look like asking him or saying this:

“I’m curious, when you were very quiet, what were you doing? Were you fretting about being upset with me or were you doing something else?” If I ask that in a manner that conveys true curiosity as if I were interviewing him to begin to understand him, he will tell me most likely that he was thinking and it had nothing to do with me and he won’t mind answering. I imagine it’s a lot easier to be asked then finding me upset.

“When you went out without telling me, I actually got scared that something happened to you. Would you please tell me when you’re going even if it’s something small and fast like dumping the trash?” If I make sure to take responsibility for my feelings and not blame him, he is totally open to my request because he actually wants to make me happy. He might forget but if I make the request again almost as if it were the first time which means no blame gets into the request, eventually he’ll remember and do it.

“When you need alone time, would you please just tell me that and that it has nothing to do with me?” Easy request, easily fulfilled.

Men and women are different. And each individual is different. Not only our bodies but our brains are different, our hormones are different and our socialization is different. When we both learn to understand and each other’s differences maybe, if you want to know if he’s “in or out”, you’ll just simply ask him.